Please, for the love of all that is good, stop incorporating Pirates 4 into all of your previously awesome things.

I can forgive Pirates 2 & 3. They’re not good movies, but Davy Jones was an interesting and well-executed character, and they at least pretended to have some heart to them and stakes for the characters involved. Also, they have direct relevance to the first one, so it makes sense to include them as part of the same universe. Didn’t save them, but if you want to stick Bill Nighy’s excellent performance on some things, I can deal with that, because he was one of the good parts and not one of the awful ones. 

There were no good parts to Pirates 4. 

None. 

At all. 

So when you finally brought back the Pirates ride and I found out that where you used to see only Davy Jones (a little irritating, but forgivable) you now see Blackbeard, too? 

I was FURIOUS.

But it’s like 3 seconds and the ride had already been changed before so it seemed hypocritical to only start complaining seriously now so I left it (mostly) alone. 

But last night my friend and I watched The World of Color show in California Adventure. 

And you took possibly my favourite part of that show, where “Little April Showers” turns into the child’s soft voice singing “Yo ho, yo ho……” and then goes into the epic Pirates theme with scenes pretty much only from the first film and you cut the Yo Ho and changed the clips and turned into a cheap advertisement for the latest movie which the critics panned and no one liked. 

WHY DISNEY WHY.

AND IT WENT ON FOR AGES. 

IT WAS NOT THREE SECONDS

IT WAS ONE OF THE LONGER SEGMENTS OF THE SHOW.

FUCCCCCCKKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Stop treating your new shit like it’s classic. You used to have the good decency to bury your crappy products and use Disneyland (and related parks) to pretend that you only made perfect timeless masterpieces. Which I love, because I don’t want to suddenly be reminded of a shitty movie that was phoned in by every single person in the middle of loving everything. I am willing to indulge your fantasy that you never made any sucky movies if you are willing to bury them properly. I am not willing to have you try to resell me a movie that wasn’t good in the middle of a show that I paid to be at. 

Look, we all know that all of Disney is, and always has been, a giant advertisement for itself. The Disney parks are an advertisement for the Disney movies which are an advertisement for the Disney documentaries which are an advertisement for the Disney parks. Walt Disney won a fucking Emmy for making an hour-long special about the making of Disneyland. He won an Emmy for advertising his own stupid park. But he was able to do so because Disney has always been good at advertising itself to you without making you feel like your being advertised to. I’m willing to pay to be entertained. I am not willing to pay to be advertised to. I did not pay for admission and a soda and corndog just to go see a shitty reminder that Pirates 4 exists that may as well have had “Now on DVD!” at the end broadcasted onto 20-foot tall fountains.

At least your cheap Tron advertising in World of Color was after the show, not during it ((((though on that note, I hate ElecTRONica. I hate that it closes the Monsters Inc. ride early to make way for a bunch of drunken ravers, I hate that it is loud and brightly flashing, and I hate that it blocks the quickest path to Tower of Terror, which is my favourite ride. It makes my favourite section of that park terrifying to me with my various mildly agoraphobic tendencies and dislike for loud noises. It is an accessibility nightmare and it feels like it belongs on Universal’s CityWalk, not Disney, and yes that is an insult)))).

Look, I like your parks because they try hard to be accessible and family friendly. And because they focus on good storytelling, full immersion, and reminding you of things that make you happy. I realise they are advertisements of a sort, but they used to be subtle and welcome ones. The animation area of California Adventure is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, and it’s definitely a promotion of Disney movies that makes you want to rush out and buy them. But not because it’s there. It’s because it’s good and about good movies.

This Pirates 4 shit isn’t good. The changes to the show weren’t good, so stop. That was not about celebrating your cinematic achievement, because there weren’t any achievements in Pirates 4. It’s not about immersing us in a story we loved, because people did not love that movie. 

It was about advertising to us. And, to quote many people in the video game industry, if they’re going to be advertisments in my products, those products better be free or at least cheaper. I watch Hulu for free and agree to watch commercials. I pay for NetFlix and so don’t have to deal with advertising. See how that works? 

If you want to try to sell me a DVD during my show, you better give me the corn dog for free is all I’m saying.

Or, simpler, take the Pirates 4 shit out of World of Color. 

I am so sincere you do not even realise,
Jessica